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A Fear Of Falling Under

So here I stand...at an impasse... I still can’t find love to save my life, but I’m not as sad. I feel that I can do this…I must, it is my destiny. Right now I must be alone.


So, I love fresh starts and I really need one after the summer I had last year. That was the summer I did coke for the first time! It was a really rough summer, but I hate the past, and I don't want to dwell on anything but the future...I move into my new apartment next week, if I can get my shit together (2 papers and a portfolio I need to write by MONDAY, 0% progress, yay me!) and I feel like a mental patient who has just been released from the hospital... arriving with my bags, looking around, terrified by my freedom. 

I want to powerful. I want to come home alone, and I want to be fine with it. I want to learn to drive without fear. I want to buy my own damn groceries and walk to the store alone. I want to write my novel finally. I want tattoos. I want to be able to breathe. I want friends, good friends. I want to escape the sea of superficial sorority bitches that surround me. I want a lover, a lover I can be myself with, love, build a future with and travel with...be with. 

But right now I'd settle for a fresh start, a happy one, I want to be somebody else so badly. I want to re-invent myself as somebody happy. 

I want to have a normal relationship with food, never really been my thing. 

I want to try though.  

I might as well try one last time before I throw in the towel! 

Morbid but true. 




Audrey Elaine

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May 2009


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